Since Noah graduated last week, I have been compiling a list in my head of things I might have done differently. I say might because there is that domino effect that I cannot see. If I had done "this" instead of "that", then perhaps "that" would never have happened. And some of those "
thats" were hard but good. Keeping this lack of 20/20 hindsight in mind, some of the things that keep popping into my head are:
1.
I woulda coulda shoulda taught them more about money! This would have involved me not thinking it is dirty and icky and that rich people are mean and none of them will get into heaven because if they were truly good, they would give their money to the poor, perhaps beginning with me. I know I got much (all?) of this from Pastor Nate, aka my father, who grew up with plenty of money and was never terribly poor in his adult life. Still, he used Christianity to bash money and all those who had it and those who didn't feel guilty for being smart about it or using it for their own benefit. Today I was driving in fancy neighborhoods and thinking that Jesus would be perfectly fine with me having a washer and dryer that worked at the same time.
2.
I would have made them play even more sports! I didn't play sports growing up but many of my friends did. They played soccer, softball, and were on the drill team. I believe to this day that the volleyball was in fact going to hit me in the face if I didn't duck. I'm not sure if it was my near fatal car accident at age eight that had my parents squeamish about putting us in harm's way. It could have been that they were not athletic themselves and I was just at the beginning of the mandated funding for girls' sports. At any rate, I have only played soccer (the kids against the parents) as an adult. I was robbed. Watching my kids play sports has been the joy of my life. There were a number of years when one or the other of them did not play. They got into trouble. Sports fills your time. It's a great routine. It's good for your body. Many sports parents are complete idiots but, many are not. So, you can hang out with 50% plus nice people while you watch your children's triumphs and disappointments publicly. Other triumphs and disappointments they will not share with you later. Sports are a window into how they deal with the tragedy, even something as grand scheme inconsequential as a missed goal at game's end.
3.
I would have made them do more chores! I could just write duh here but I do want to elaborate about made beds. My sister Heather will not get into her bed unless it's made. If something flat out stops her from making her bed all day long, she will make it before she gets in at night. I love this. Made beds are good as a bare minimum. I have not made my kids do this and now, they look at me like I am stark raving mad if I insist on it. Which I do sometimes anyway because I could care less if they think I'm crazy. Made beds say you started the day right. They say you deserve a good night's sleep. They say don't eat crackers in me. Made beds are a little bit of heaven.
4.
I would have volunteered at their school! Okay, this is the one that makes me tear up because I feel so sad about it. As a single parent, I'm not sure I have ever had the time to volunteer on a regular basis. But I did also receive the calls for support from the PTA with anxious disdain. Schools need parents. And parents who give their time and attention to schools are deeply loved and appreciated. And I want to be deeply loved and appreciated. But for doing the right thing and being able to spy on my children and my friends' children. I'm a pretty good spy. Good enough that my children often look at me wide-eyed and say, "How do you KNOW these things?" I talk to people. I follow them. Still, they spend so much time in school and schools are missing the time and talent of many parents. Everyone should find the time somehow to give 20 hours a year to their children's schools.
5.
I would have gotten a video camera! My ex-husband took the only video of my two older children as babies, without my permission. My sister Lisa had rented the camera as a third and first birthday present for them. The only other video I have was taken by my friend Liz when all three boys were baptized at the same time at 1, 3, and 5
ish. My middle son spit in the baptismal font which is one of many great middle son memories. But you can't see it on tape! We just got home from a graduation party for twins whose parents did a video montage of clips from their lives. In a matter of minutes they went from infants to twelve. I don't know these graduates well but I cried anyway. It was beautiful.
So, I still would have used cloth diapers even though I think I'm crazy now, especially when I had two in diapers and no dryer. I still would have worked as much, or as little, as I could outside of the home at different stages of their lives. I still would have been overwhelmed, though wish I could go back in time and give myself a pat on the back and a glimpse of the too soon future to come. But money lessons, sports, made beds, school volunteering and the absent
chronicling of these lost opportunities trouble me. And parenting isn't a do-over. As my sister says, "Put another dollar in the therapy fund." Maybe two, one for me and one for the boys.
Things I'm thinking of today:
